My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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