u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
