today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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