matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They took my balls.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
