thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
