He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
