I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
