just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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