Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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