i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
