I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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