Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
