My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Randomize
