I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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