Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
