Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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