Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize