I puked a lego.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
