My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
