and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
