I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
