he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
