I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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