Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
