I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
