I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Randomize
