I'm going to jail i love you
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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