the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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