remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
this just has baby written all over it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
