the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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