I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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