I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
