hell yes lets make some ravioli
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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