I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
