Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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