girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
