Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
