giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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