listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
