WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
