life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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