I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
