Don't make out with my wife yet
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
