birth control should be required to get into college
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
