dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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