Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
