I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
