I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
