Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
