We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
