I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
