The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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