You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Farmville is her only friend.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
