I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
