I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
