omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You can't motorboat a personality
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
