I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
