I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
